I start my 30-day yoga challenge tomorrow evening, with a hot yoga class after work. I've done hot yoga several times (and blogged about it), and I love it.
So why am I so nervous? I've done yoga on and off for years, though it obviously hasn't had any effect on my flexibility or strength. It's one of the few places where I can let my thoughts go and just listen to my body, and perhaps one day appreciate it for what it does despite the extra lumps and bumps I wish it didn't have.
I am desperately afraid of failure. To me, failure is one of the worst feelings in the entire world. I am afraid that I won't be able to do 30 days straight. I am afraid that I will give up when it gets too hard. I am afraid that it won't make a difference and I'll be just as unhappy when I finish.
But maybe most of all, I'm afraid that it will change me. I am afraid that I will come out at the end and realize how bad of a person I was before I started. I am afraid that I will not be happy with my life after the challenge, because I can't afford to take a class every day for the rest of my life.
I have failed in some of the things I have set out to do, as everyone has in life. Sometimes I feel like I've failed at being a good wife, let alone the Perfect Housewife.
But this is one thing that I cannot fail, because I believe this will show how strong I really am. And not being strong would be devastating to me.
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